Recently I found myself falling back into some old patterns of thinking and behaving that have plagued me for much of my life. Over the years I have tried hard and worked hard to break some habits and thought processes that bring me down spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I will do good for a while, sometimes even long stretches, but then I either get lazy or something triggers me and I fall back into my old ways. It's very frustrating and I've asked God to "fix" me many times over the years, but I end up back in my old ways. I even wrote in prayer journal on Monday, as a prayer to God, "I know it's not true, but part of me thinks I'm never going to be able to change in this area. I am ... disappointed with myself. I am sorry ... but I am always sorry after the fact."
This morning (Tuesday) I was doing my morning walk around the neighborhood, ear pods in, listening to a podcast and not paying much attention to where I was walking. About a fourth of the way into my neighborhood loop I stepped on the edge of the pavement with my left foot, my ankle turned and down I went onto the pavement. I managed to get my right hand down to catch myself, and I turned a little to my right side to keep my face from planting on the ground; I landed on my right side and rolled a little. I immediately looked around to see if anyone saw me (it was about 7:30am and thankfully no one was outside their house.) I got up and sort of triaged myself to make sure I hadn't sprained my ankle or broken a hip. Thankfully just a few scrapes on my right hand a nice little blood-blister. I continued on my walk, picking up the pace to get out of that part of the neighborhood just in case someone was looking out their window when I fell.
As I continued my walk, I was thinking about my fall and the Holy Spirit began to speak - "How did you respond when you fell?" I got up, checked myself out and moved on. "What did you WANT to do when you fell?" Well... my first thought was to lay there on the road and feel sorry for myself. I was already discouraged, and my fall just added insult to injury. I also thought about rolling off the pavement, down into the ditch next to the road and hide out in case someone saw me. But instead, I got up, brushed myself off and kept moving.
The Holy Spirit reminded me that when I fall back into my old patterns of life, it's like taking a fall. I basically have three ways I can respond: 1. I can wallow in self pity and beat myself up for failing again (which is what I was doing). 2. I could withdraw from God and others and try to hide out in my shame and embarrassment (which I often do). Or 3. I could get up, get back on the road and keep moving forward (which is what He was telling me to do). I still had to deal with the consequences and pain of my failings, but I didn't have to stop making progress.
I'm thankful God never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. He is faithful to love me and teach me even when I fail Him (though I wish the lessons weren't so embarrassing and painful sometimes, lol). God loves me, and you too much to ever give up on us.
I did make a couple of changes in my walk after my fall - I started paying attention to where I was walking, AND I stayed a good distance from the edge of the pavement the rest of the way. Both of those are good lessons for life as well.
